fuck

alone, overwhelming, veiled, stuck in a glass bubble where the world is distorted feeling is consuming me and I'm not sure what to do about. With every step, someone's yanking the rug out from under me and I don't know if I can regain my balance this time. I just want to crawl in bed and stay there for months. but only if there is something sharp in reach. oh, not again, and again and again. but it is the only thing that gets me through. better than the alternative, right? I'm going to shatter into a million pieces next time I get shaken. and i feel like i am all alone in this. and i deserve that. i'm breaking. composure gone. I'm done.

i tried. i really did.

i can hear the sound sadtrack mind in my play
its not loud enough. it sounds red but not red enough. can you hear it?
no you can't. turn me to ice so i can feel nothing just like you. shovel the dirt to fill this hole. shallow emotive please.
moderation is excess somewhere/don't deserve any more than the least that i get\
running but they are passing me. everythings passing me
when nothing is in sight i can't even question
because it was me who did this.

it was a good go, i guess

if i would have known that was going to be your response, i would not have gone there. I rather be suffering silently than to know you feel like its effort to be around me. i would do anything for you and i cant bear the thought or handle the fact i have been a burden on you. preventing someone that i care about tremendously from feeling like that, well, that is the sole reason i normally do this alone. i should have known better and known what would be the result of me reaching out. if it was a choice of me getting help and not getting help, i rather not be getting help if it meant you didnt feel this way.
how do we as humans handle that line. who are we without other people? but in the end as Glen Hansard says

"Cry alone, and die alone
Pray alone, and stay alone
Drown out.. drown out.."

we are alone. anything else is just an illusion to make ourselves feel better. strings are attached, contingencies are implemented. and i am done. i'm back to living this facade, dropping in and out of life, staying far away from everyone. do i really want that? no, but i cant take doing this to anyone ever again. and i cant guarantee that it won't happen again. i won't do that to you.
it was never my intention to do this but it doesnt matter because its already been done.