frank sinatra (6)

my cousins moved their wedding up. we didnt know why. our first guess was that she was pregnant. I asked him what he thought. He told me that I would find out later. i could not even guess what it was. it took me until Nov. 12th to realize. he knew. he knew he would be dead. he would not be at the october wedding.
the wedding was in the beginning of july. they left the next day for experimental tx in texas. 3am, they were driving down there to start the most horrible 5 months of our lives.
he looked so good. it was the last time i saw him not in a hospital bed or in pain or drugged or crying or screaming or lying at delmar gardens dead. judith looked AMAZING. when i told him that, he said 'well shes going to need to keep looking that way bc shes going to have to find a new husband soon.' i told him to shut up and with tears in my eyes, he said 'i forgot, i cant say things like that to you, you're too sensitive.'
we danced. and i hugged him. and kept hugging him. i couldnt let go of him. he said to me that it would be okay. he said it would dammit. but i knew. i didnt know though. i didnt realize that would be it. that would be the last time b4 i would be consumed with medications and nurses and doctors and moans of pain and chemo and radiation and death sentences and tumors that smelled like the bottom of a dumpster.
i dont know what i would have done if i knew that would be the last time. i feel like i would have done something different. but i dont know what.